Name That....Emotion?

An emotion is an unconscious psychological reaction to some sort of outside stimuli such as a thing, circumstance or person. If we can name the emotion we are feeling and the stimuli which caused it we can be well on our way to managing our reactions.
     This emotional awareness is the first step in overcoming and managing the reactions to whatever life is throwing at you at the time. Reactions ranging from all consuming rage to self defeating procrastination. When I owned my construction company just the thought of the paper work waiting for me in my office created such a negative emotion that I would refuse to enter for fear the monster would eat me. I was filled with such dread that when I was forced to deal with it by tax or insurance audit deadlines, the monster was huge. And yet after digging in I always found "it" was toothless and not nearly as terrifying as I had imagined. The manifestations of the emotional trauma this always caused was evident in my relationships with my family and employees as I was unaware of the underlying cause and effect that these feelings were triggering. Every three months I'm sure I garnered new nicknames from family and employees alike and they probably weren't "dumb head".
     So could just being able to name what it is we are feeling improve communication with those around us? Could being able to tell our significant other exactly how they are making us feel help to establish a boundary? Could it lead to deeper relationships with those we care most about? How about the relationships we have with our employees? Would them knowing how their hard work and loyalty fills us with happiness create an environment where they in turn are filled with positive emotions about their place of employment? Remember that boss who was a firm believer in management by intimidation? Isn't he the big reason you are self employed now? Maybe your star player will follow suit if his efforts continue to go seemingly unnoticed.
     Below is a list of emotions. When you are feeling different than you were just moments before, name that emotion. Then rate the intensity 1-10 and figure out what the cause was. Then take a moment to choose your reaction. Carefully! Unless you want a nickname like "dumb head".

Aggressive                                  Ecstatic                                     Love-struck

Aggravated                                 Elated                                        Miserable

Alienated                                    Embarrassed                            Negative

Amused                                       Enthusiastic                              Optimistic

Angry                                           Envious                                      Paranoid

Annoyed                                     Excited                                       Peaceful

Anxious                                       Exhausted                                 Proud

Apathetic                                   Fearful                                        Puzzled

Appalled                                     Frightened                                 Regretful

Awed                                          Frustrated                                   Relieved

Bashful                                       Glad                                             Sad

Blissful                                        Guilty                                           Satisfied

Bored                                          Happy                                          Shocked

Cautious                                     Helpless                                      Sorry

Cheerful                                     Hopeful                                        Sure

Confident                                  Hostile                                           Surprised

Confused                                   Humiliated                                    Suspicious

Curious                                      Hurt                                                Undecided

Delighted                                  Hysterical                                       Withdrawn

Depressed                                 Interested                                     

Determined                               Jealous

Disappointed                             joyous

Discouraged                               lonely

Disgusted                                    Loved

Attitude of Gratitude

I believe gratitude is the outward act brought about by an inner thankfulness.

     Too often I get whelmed (not over whelmed, just whelmed) by the busy-ness of life and start to fall into the "take stuff for granted mentality". I was driving with a friend the other day and he stated that he needed to stop at the store to get something for his wife. After he put up with my teasing about having a grocery list he just said that he liked to have a little gift for her when he got home. We stopped at a convenience store and I was somewhat surprised when he took a small tube of Carmex to the counter. We were in and out of the store and driving down the road within minutes. I was curious about the "gift" that he had just spent less than a buck on and finally asked him if she had bad lips. After the Ha, Ha's died, he said that her lips were great and it was just a little way to show her he was thinking about her while he was away. What a goof! Doesn't he know that a gift should be a well thought out, expensive, article of manipulation? Or at least something flashy! Geez! I probably should share this tid-bit with him at some point. He was away from her for a few days shouldn't that have qualified for some serious guilt swag for the little lady?
     The truth is he was displaying an attitude of gratitude. Once again the coach gets coached. Such a simple act that will probably have a ripple effect resonating through every aspect of his marriage. Have you visited your gratitude list lately? Who is it in your life that you need to show your thankfulness to? What simple way can you display your gratitude to your significant other, son, daughter or co-worker? It doesn't have to be a gift, it could be as simple as a love note on her mirror. Or a gesture as simple as putting your scurvy drawers into the hamper, you sick-o.

The Incredible Power of Why.

     "Why", is the biggest motivating factor propelling high achievers the world over to new heights. It always has been, always will be.
     If the "why" of a project is truly bought into, by all parties involved, the obstacles encountered in reaching the goal will be easier to overcome then if the "why" is vague.This is the reason it is so important for a company, large or small, to have a mission statement. A mission statement is the why you do what you do, boiled down and stuffed into a nutshell. In other words, it is a concise statement of the values that you operate from and the direction you are headed. But mission statements aren't solely relegated to the business world, it is also beneficial in our individual lives to take advantage of this power of "why". You can develop a personal mission statement that encompasses your values and passions stating the "why" for your life. As you mold your life around your mission, you will begin to sense that your desires for purposeful living are being realized, making Monday mornings considerably easier to dive into. Whereas if you are simply coasting, almost all aspects of your life will lack fulfilment due to to the lack of purpose. Then instead of a statement of "why", you will be asking, "why me?"
     In overcoming addictions and making better choices, the "why" will often be the deciding factor between recovery and relapse. Check out the examples and see the difference.

"I need to quit smoking"
"I'm going to quit smoking so I will be able to meet and play with my grandchildren"

"I should go on a diet"
"If I don't lose 100 lbs the doctor says with my family history I will more than likely develop diabetes."

"I know I drink too much, I should quit or cut down"
"I love my family and I realize that my drinking is tearing us apart, it's time to quit"

     The incredible power of why. If your "why" is honestly defined, elaborated on and more important to you than your "why nots" there will be nothing to stop you. What is your "why"? Define it! Own it! Why not?

The Importance of Mapping a Goal.

     My wife and I enjoy periodically taking a day and heading to the mountains to unwind and escape the city. Our "lil' mule" is a 1963 Willy's Jeep that is original except for the wheels and a Holly overdrive. OK, and a 12000 lb winch that is expressly used to get me into more trouble than I was in prior to employing its services. As an avid 4-wheeling enthusiast I enjoy the scenery as much as she does but I always have my eyes open for a rock to climb or a goat trail where I can test my skill and prowess as I push the limits of the Jeep's capabilities and my wife's patience.
     A couple of years ago we were "up above it all" exploring some roads above Georgetown, Colorado. We had been out most of the day and the sun was going down. I put the last of our reserve fuel into the gas tank and we decided it was time to head for the barn. Perhaps a half hour into the descent my wife said "We're going in circles we passed that campsite already." "Huh uh", I argued stoically as I searched the cobwebs of my generally, um.., lucid mind, for something familiar. She remained silent through the next hour as we traversed the mountain once again. This time I recognized the camp site and sheepishly reached for the map.
     I didn't have a GPS with me but with my compass and map, I was able to pinpoint where we were and then plan a course to "get outta Dodge"! My bride allowed me to gloat and flex my single testosterone that I keep caged for just such occasions and I pulled from the recesses of my brain, JROTC classes about map reading from days gone by. I spewed stuff about shooting azimuths, terrain and contour lines. And as we pulled onto the highway I am sure her tongue was bleeding. Who knows how many eye rolls I got as I was sitting just a bit taller than I was just a few miles back.
     One thing that I was able to recollect, was my teacher sergeant Rhody Heinen, always expounding on the fact that you have got to know where you are to be able to get where you want to go.
     It is the same with our lives. Businesses fold every day due to lack of mapping skills. People wander aimlessly in life for want of a destination with no perception of where they even are. Though if asked, the majority would probably list hell as their address.
     So where are you? That's the first step in mapping a goal, figuring out where you are. If you need a bit of guidance you are welcome to contact me for a free half hour goal setting session. That is all. Now get outta that rut! You have some living to do!

Parkinson's Law

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. In other words, the amount of time that someone has to perform a task is the amount of time it will take to complete the task.

     Cyril Northcote Parkinson coined this adage in 1955 as a joke, in an essay published in The Economist but as humorous as it may have been, it has proven itself time and again in yours and my lives. If you have a task to be completed in a certain amount of time it will generally take up all of the allotted time to get it done. Whereas if the time allowed was shortened, chances are the task would still get done in the shorter amount of time allowed. Another way to look at this law is in regard to storage. How many times have we had a cupboard or some other storage facility that used to be empty or close to it but now it's full to capacity. Have you ever had a backpack that seemed as if it would have ample room yet when you were finished every nook and cranny was stuffed and the pack weighed a million pounds? So, storage requirements will increase to meet storage capacity. My gosh, you should see my garage.
     So are we able to defeat this law? Or at least manage it? I believe we can for the most part. If you start with your goal in mind and are realistic and honest with yourself, you can probably shorten the time it will take to be successful. Will it really take two weeks to clear your desk? So, are we beating the law or getting sucked further into the reality of it? While you are stuffing that chest to capacity you can console yourself that you are simply a victim of Parkinson's Law. Or maybe you could have a yard sale.
     How could just knowing about this increase your productivity at work or at home? What goal do you have that needs to be bound by a time limit? If someday is the time frame, that someday will probably never come. Contact me today for a free half hour goal setting session. Type "Goals" in the subject line of the email. Now, go make those yard sale posters!

A Person of Integrity

     Doing the right thing even when it isn't convenient.

     I set out several years ago to paint a horse trailer but not being a body man I was pretty clueless. Lucky for me I had a friend who was a body man and I tried to convince him that he should get involved. As I am no salesman, my efforts at implementing Tom Sawyer's; white-washing the fence tactics were fruitless. And as you probably have guessed, I would be painting the trailer myself. He did however offer pointers and some much needed advice. He filled me in on sanding and priming, epoxy, paint pots, compressors, tarps and technique. I'm sure my eyes glazed over as I tried to comprehend the magnitude of this project. After an hour of sanding I had a spot done approximately twelve inches square and stood back to admire my work. He came over and with an approving nod he turned to head back to his lawn chair in the shade. As he turned he said, "The whole trailer". I stepped back another pace to take in "the whole trailer" and I looked at the small spot that had taken an hour. "I really have to sand the whole thing?" I asked with exasperation. He turned back to me and with a smile on his face he said, "No, you don't really have to do the whole thing". Oh! The relief must have radiated from my face as I heard those words! He walked back toward me and looking the trailer over he said, "You only have to sand where you want the paint to stick"!
     And so it is with integrity. You are either a person of integrity or you aren't. Integrity is a character trait that encompasses your whole life. Everything you do and are.You may act with integrity most of the time but take a closer look. Are you constantly late for work? Is your employer paying you for that time? Are you an employer sticking it to your staff? Are you the person that can't wait to spread a rumor and defame another? We all know a Mrs. Kravitz and the damage they inflict with their words. Do you try to clip tickets at the slope? What about those taxes you have been cheating on. "Oh that doesn't matter, nobodies getting hurt." But someone is, that someone is you. Think of your "character" as a house. Integrity is the foundation of all that you are. Is that foundation weak and shifty? Or is it rock solid? You can build integrity but it takes work and rigorous honesty with yourself. Doing the right thing even when it isn't convenient. Just remember, "The whole trailer"!
That is all, go get dirty!

The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions.

     The old idiom or proverb simply means that well intended acts could have disastrous results.

     This very morning, I was notified of my son getting stabbed in the gut last week in Gillette Wyoming. The incident occurred after his friend begged for help with his meth addiction and then stabbed my son for trying to help. The Gillette newspaper went on to say that before the stabbing, there was a scuffle and my son left only to be called out and went to meet the man somewhere else "to settle their differences". A knife was brandished, according to the paper, before the fight and a gun was in the waist band of the meth monkeys apparent second. (In days of old, a second was the person who assisted a dueler in making sure the duel was fair. In some cases the second would take the place of the original dueler.) So it seems at the outset of this misadventure, that intentions were good. These guys were friends barbecuing together a few short hours before. Then the whole: "A friend in need is a friend indeed" bit and the desire to 'fix" someone who wasn't really ready to be fixed. The ensuing hurt feelings, threats and fear of reprisal that more than likely went on created an apparent need to battle in neutral territory away from loved ones. All of which lead to a knife in one friends stomach and the other facing ten years in the big house.
     The possible disastrous effects of good intentions  usually comes about when the intent is not aligned with common sense and personal boundries. Among other things. It is also important to be in tune to where the intent is actually coming from. Are you promoting your own agenda? Are you acting in love? Jealousy? Fear? Anger? How many times have we alienated friends or family when we were "just trying to help"? Sometimes you would be better off  just minding your own business, as hard as that can be.
     Thankfully my son is ok and maybe a little wiser. His friend perhaps will meet the bottom he needs to kick his demon in the ass. Better some extended rehab than six feet under.

A Happy Little Chappie!

     Everyone wants happiness it seems. And right now dammit! I read a study the other day that said almost 70 percent of 1000 people polled placed happiness as being more important than money. I would venture a guess that the 30 percent were "Baby Boomers" and the 70 percent were "Gen Yers" but I may be wrong. So what is happiness exactly? How do you measure it? Is it a constant state of euphoria? A feeling of giddiness? Or could it be as simple as a piece of good chocolate melting on your tongue?
     Martin Seligman, a psychologist, claims there are three types of happiness.
     -Pleasant Life: Pleasures and instant gratification.
     -Good Life: Getting the things you want and desire.
     -Meaningful Life: Belonging to and serving in something larger and more worthwhile than just your own pleasures and desires. He states that authentic happiness combines all three aspects and culminates into the Full Life or a life that satisfies all criteria of happiness. His website features two exercises you can do to increase your happiness with long term effect.
1. Three Good Things in Life: In this exercise, before bed you write down three things that went well for you that day and also what caused those things to go well. Do this everyday for a week. I say if you see an improvment carry on. You could also work on a daily gratitude list.
2. Pick out your 5 top strengths. He calls them signature strengths. They could be honesty, teamwork, enthusiasm, humility, optimism.. yadayadayada.. you get it. After you identify your top five, you select one of them every day and intentionally implement that strength that day.
     As far as I can tell though, much more proof is in the fact that serving others in some way with no thought of repayment will lead to more happiness than anything. So where are you thinking of experimenting with this? What greater good will you expend some energy on? Is it all hocus-pocus? I personally am going for another piece of chocolate while I think about it. Now go! Be Happy! Get some sunshine!

What Happens When 911 Is Dialed

     Anger is an emotion we all deal with from time to time. Some better than others. I was brought up in a home where it seems someone was always pummeling someone else and fits of unrestrained rage were more common than not. Unfortunately as we tend to be products of our environment, that lack of emotional intelligence was passed down and my own wife and children got to experience the fear and exasperation of the eggshell walk too. The good news is, emotional intelligence unlike cognitive intelligence can be learned and as my wife will attest I am not the same person I was even 5 years ago.  If your family is important to you, and this is an issue you are dealing with, STOP! It doesn't have to continue any longer. Go to my website and contact me. Together we can end the cycle.
     If you have incurred a domestic violence charge, here is an in depth look at the hell you are descending into. Get the help on your terms before it is forced on you by the state and your life is in shambles.
     That is all. Go live life! And keep your hands to yourself!

A Tale of Two Brains

     A very funny YouTube video about the differences between male and female thought processes, by Mark Gungor. Watch the video here.

I have a specific goal, now what?

     Once your destination is defined, the best way I have found of working to achieve the goal is to break it into smaller bites. Sub-goals I suppose you could call them, all leading to the bigger goal. To help a client visualize this we would make a strategy map with boxes and lines, having the big goal on top and then map backwards as we try to define obstacles and their possible solutions. Working from the destination to the present desire we have chopped the big goal into more manageable pieces, identified possible hazards we may encounter and further solidified the goal in our subconscious. Good luck!

SMART Goal Setting

Having a goal is imperative to progress. Unless you are just out for a joy-ride without a particular destination, you need to have a goal. If you want to get to New York from Denver in the shortest amount of time you would buy a plane ticket to New York not L.A. When you buy that ticket you will be specific, won't you? Having a goal gives you a target, a defined destination.

So think about your target. Is it specific? Do you want a new vehicle or do you want a white Dodge Quad Cab 3500 four wheel drive diesel?

Is your goal measurable? Is your goal to have a more balanced life? Can you define "more"? How will you know when you arrive? See the reason for being specific?

Is what you are shooting for attainable? Do you want a 30,000 square foot home in Malibu but you are stuck in a $50,000 dead end job? Maybe you should focus on a different job first.

Is it relevant? Do you care enough about this to make it a priority in your life? Do you really want to lose that extra weight or is sitting on the couch playing video games more important?

Have you set a time frame? When will you start working on this? What is the deadline? To attain a goal it must be time bound. You have to have a set finish line.

It's also important to write your goals down and visit them often.

S- Specific
M- Measurable
A- Attainable
R-Relevant
T- Time bound


The SMART acronym first appeared in an article written by George Doran, Arthur Miller, and James Cunningham in the November 1981 issue of Management Review called  "There's a S.M.A.R.T. way to write management goals and objectives." This goal setting procedure has been used by thousands of high achievers since.