Control Freak!

Yeah I know, I have three fingers pointing back at me.

     The Control Freak is my least favorite personality type and yet the one I most readily identify with. Why do I have such a hard time just letting things be? Just because someone might do something different than I would doesn't mean that their way is wrong. Sometimes. Does it? And yet as I delve into this personality and what makes us function, I realize that we, the control freaks, are probably the most vulnerable of all personality types. I am getting teary eyed just thinking of my poor old mother and her wooden spoons with which she used to beat me half to death. Aah but I digress. So is the controlling personality having to compensate for a shortcoming? Is it a manifestation of the battle between ego and esteem? Could it just be a defense mechanism like Freud would have us believe? Like comedian Robin Williams says "If it's not one thing it's your mother".  It may simply be the fact that my way really is better than your way. Maybe? I had a mentor once that claimed the mantra that says "It's better to be happy than right". That always seemed too simplistic to me and a bit hard to swallow. But that may be because I didn't think of it first.

     So how do we become more lamb-like? Is that something we even want? Probably not and yet the people with whom we interact everyday would probably appreciate a gentler approach which is something we can accomplish with a bit of conscious effort. It may be a matter of simply putting down the spoon.

The Vital Few

     If you were to journal for a few months you would see that roughly 20 percent of your activity results in 80 percent of your success or failure. Wouldn't just knowing this be good reason to begin a bit of journaling? Just to see what it is you are actually spending time on? Having trouble wrapping your brain around this idea?
    




Start Today!

     In 1906 Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist and avid gardener, observed that 20 percent of his pea pods were responsible for 80 percent of the peas produced. His curiosity piqued he began gathering information on the land ownership in Italy and discovered that 20 percent of the population owned 80 percent of the land, and 20 percent of the people had 80 percent of the money. Now before you turn this into a Wall Street bashing, think! Where else is this principle at work? Roughly twenty percent of the population of the world read eighty percent of all the books read! And 80 percent of any companies personnel issues comes from only 20 percent of the employees. Wouldn't a company be wise to pinpoint who those people were? And by the same token couldn't the same business, knowing that 80 percent of their success is the result of 20 percent of their effort analyze what this 20 percent is?

     So what about you? Where is the Pareto Principle at work in your life? Are you taking advantage of it or is it kicking your butt? Need help? Shoot me an email with Pareto in the subject line and I will give you a FREE 30 minute coaching session.

Normal Is A Setting On The Washing Machine!

    I have been trying to convince my wife of that fact for the last 29 years. I just finished David Lieberman's book; "Find Out Who's Normal and Who's Not", and though I was worried at first I can say with a straight face that I am fairly normal. My wife I am sure, might still argue. So what is normal? How do you know if the guy living next door is at least somewhat sane? How about your son-in-law? Is he a psycho? Yikes! In this book, Lieberman teaches you how to become what he calls a conversational archaeologist; someone who through some questions and techniques, may be able to build a relatively accurate psychological profile of just about anyone, though you must be able to converse with the suspect. You cannot simply use the "stink eye" for your judgments as we are all tend to do from time to time. This book was an entertaining read and perhaps useful if you are able to remember the questions that you are supposed to ask. My problem is that I would have to carry a cheat sheet and I would give myself away as I went into Detective Joe Friday mode."Just the facts Ma'am". Maybe I could just shine a flashlight in people's face and poke them in the chest while asking if they're normal.

Empathy or Sympathy

     Why not avert an unpleasant encounter?  Momentarily placing yourself in the other persons circumstance might be all that it takes.

     The dictionary defines empathy as; "The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the thoughts, feelings, or attitudes of another". In other words, it is sensing another persons feelings and perspectives and taking an active interest in their battle.  Sympathy is a concern for the well-being of another and may begin with a feeling of empathy but may not. For example, if you see someone on the television that is deaf you may feel empathy or sympathy for her but it will probably be more sympathetic. If your grandmother comes to visit and you know she is hard of hearing in her right ear you will tend to be empathetic to her plight and talk louder if you are on her left or you will make a point to talk to her right side.
     So, what is my point? What if the person that you are about to "give a piece of your mind" to is fighting a battle completely unseen? Maybe a battle for her very life. It could be any number of things, almost everyone is fighting a battle of some kind. Would the outcome be different if you imagined just for a second what might be going on in her life? Maybe she's sick or recently lost a loved one. Maybe her seeming lack of intelligence stems from fear of her control freak employer. Or maybe your attitude is simply being reflected back at you by the other person. Maybe the battle is yours.
     Empathy takes practice but a moment of thought can make the day brighter for both parties involved or it can set the stage not just for a bad day but possibly estranged relationships that may take years to heal.
    
    

Start By Starting!

“We dreamed of doing but could not bring ourselves to do.” ~ Etheridge Knight

What is it that you are putting off? What dream are you constantly visiting but can't seem to take that first step? Is it a different career? An incredible business idea? Maybe just a shift in your circumstances or a few pounds off of your belly? Whatever it is take a moment to dream about what life will look like when the dream is achieved. How will you feel? How will it affect those most important to you? Sometimes the first step is as simple as putting pen to paper and writing it down. Some people just need to turn the television off, as difficult as that is. I know there are great programs that just can't be missed, and the zombies may really start sprouting up at any moment.
     After your dream is written down, see if you can identify what it is that is keeping you from taking that first step. Do a bit of self examination and decide if this is really where you want to stay or is the dream important enough to get your buns off of the couch. Only you can decide. Only you can take that first step. Start by starting, go get that pen.

Forgive? You Have Got To Be Kidding!

     OK, I have been procrastinating. I don't want to be writing about this. I want to talk about team building or leadership models, anything but this. I have issues with forgiveness. There is nothing funner than wallowing in hatred and bitterness, planning someones violent demise. The feeling of my blood pressure spiking is like luxuriating in a cauldron of hot acid.  There are times that I have missed an entire nights sleep as I enjoyed fantasies of biting someone! I am a proponent of the death penalty for crying out loud! Yet as someone on a quest to learn and master authentic masculinity I feel the art of forgiveness is indeed a big piece of the puzzle. So I have been trudging through the book "Dare To Forgive: The Power Of Letting Go & Moving On" for almost two years and in that time it has sailed across the room more than once. I don't want to forgive! My anger has become "my little precious" and it needs nurtured, fed and protected. The author of the book, Edward Hallowell M.D., makes good points and cites scientific evidence supporting the health benefits of forgiveness. I am sure sleep would come easier also as I have at times bonked the sheep on their heads as they jumped over the fence. I come from a long line of grudge holders, my mother being one of the best! It's in my DNA! Yet as the book points out the act of forgiving someone is a decision and he promises that it gets easier with practice. I may give it a try tomorrow. I might just decide not to give the jerk that cuts me off the finger. Baby steps, right?

Authentic Masculinity

     Authentic masculinity is a combination of character traits, not physical attributes. The disintegration of the family unit has created several generations who are clueless about what a stable family life looks like. And the alarming absence of men who live by a disciplined code of conduct and value system (something I stuggle with daily) means that most of our young people have no clue what authentic masculinity is. Many have never seen men who function successfully as loving husbands and fathers. They’ve never seen true family men in real life and they have grown accustomed to the men in their lives being slaves to addictions, desires and instant gratification. So they simply have no choice but to define masculinity by physical qualities, such as looks, aggression and a deep voice. A skewed perception which ultimately manifests itself in their own lives in the form of the same addictions, the same aimlessness and the same justifications.
      So how can we turn it around? What are some changes that you need to make in your life so that you can begin developing authentic masculinity? Remember, you may be being watched and emulated, and that sir, is an awesome responsibility. The regret and shame that I feel as I watch my own son taking the same thorny paths that he saw me follow is at times unbearable. It is much like watching an erratic driver speeding down the interstate. You can only hope that he will slow down and that you won't come upon a crash down the road.

What Would You Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail?

There seemed to be endless obstacles preventing me from living with my eyes open, but as I gradually followed up clue after clue it seemed that the root cause of them all was fear.

~Joanna Field


     Fear of failure, fear of others opinions, fear of the unknown?.. What? What would you do if you weren't afraid? Fear is part of our human condition but as Mark Twain once said, "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear- not the absence of fear". So how do we move forward and progress in spite of our fears? The first thing to do is acknowledge our fears and give them a face. Write them down. Then you can confront them one at a time.  Most fears stem from ego which is the exact opposite of self esteem. David Lieberman paints a picture of ego and self esteem being on a teeter-totter. If you are operating from ego; self esteem goes down but if you operate from self esteem; ego goes down. Does it really matter what your friends think? What do you think? Failure? The biggest failure is never trying. Where will you be five years from now if you don't do this? Visualize your success, what does it look like? These are the first steps in mastering your fears. Build your self esteem by writing down what your attributes are. What qualities do you possess that will guarantee your success? Say them out loud! Say them often. If all of your self talk is negative then ego will always be on top, self esteem will never have a chance and fear will always hold you back. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? Go to the mirror and talk it over. I will wait.


 
 

I am on Vacation!

I have been on vacation since April 1, sorry I failed to mention it. I have had emails asking if I had died, alas I am still kicking and I will resume after the 10th, thank you for the concern. Kasey

Is Your Frog Boiling? -Book Review

Ten Signs That Your Life May Be Spinning Out Of Control and What You Can Do About It.
     April Fools Day seems like a good day to review this book and not because it was bad. Quite the opposite, in fact I enjoyed it very much and it was free! You can download the PDF version here or you can download it free to your reader at barnsandnoble.com. The reason I think this is a good day for this review is that so many of us are fools for letting our frogs boil! Let me explain.
     The author, Dr. Richard Madow, uses the old tale of cooking a frog to help us see that often our own circumstances may in fact be cooking us slowly. You remember the story of putting a frog in a pot of room temperature water and by increments turning up the heat. As the frog adjusts to the temperature he won't jump out but will in fact let himself be cooked. Whereas if you were to throw him in already boiling water he will immediately jump out. I read a lot of books on self help topics and most are filled with technical jargon, methodologies and psycho-babble. This book is a gem. It is simple, humorous, well written and applicable to all of us. In short, if you are at a place in your life where you are questioning your circumstances, this book delivers.

 

Book Forward Excerpt:

Wouldn’t it be amazing if in just a short time from now you could:

•Accomplish more and worry less?

•Improve your family relationships?

•Enjoy your occupation so much that you look forward to arriving at work every day?

•Have more and better friends?

•Live a life marked by calm confidence and your own definition of success?

•Finally, become a truly happy person?

In “Is Your Frog Boiling?” I will show you the legend of a frog, and how understanding ten simple "symptoms" can change your life forever. Through real world practical examples, you will see how

many of us get into hot water. You’ll also find out how to pull yourself out of the pot. By the time you reach the end, you will not only know if your frog is boiling, but how to prevent that from happening. Hopefully you’ll have some fun along the way.