The Stories We Could Tell

Talkin' to myself again
wonderin' if this traveling is good   
Is they're something else a doin'
We'd be doin' if we could

All the stories we could tell
If it all blows up and goes to hell
I wish that we could sit upon the bed in some hotel
And listen to the stories we could tell
-Jimmy Buffett, "The Stories We Could Tell".

     Whenever I hear this song by Jimmy Buffett I always get nostalgic about the memories and stories that I hang onto. Some of them I still am amazed by. Some are sad, some funny. I have a lot of memories that make me lonely for my kids, and a few that make me glad they no longer live with me! It's fun to look back and treasure the snapshots of the past we can recollect. The good memories. The happy times. Yet we all have memories we wish we could erase and be free of. Words spoken in anger, lapses of good judgment, and moments we let our egos have free rein.

     Dwelling on past mistakes can hamper our growth as we strive to live authentic lives. As can relying solely on past successes to fuel our present. Perfection isn't one of the stories that any one of us can claim. So in order for us to flourish and grow we need to begin forgiving ourselves for the past and let it go. But by the same token, the good memories are just that- memories. Glimpses into the past that we should treasure while looking ahead and making more. Using the good and the not so good as tools to spur our growth. Learning the valuable lessons that looking back can teach us and utilizing what we can to build on our self esteem. So let's go put that Letter-man's jacket away, give yourself a high-five and get out there! You have memories to make!





    

Change Is The Only Constant~ Unknown

     Change happens. From life altering loss, to the daily adjustment of plans. Divorce, loss of employment, illness, and the periodic flat tire. There have been times in my life when change has been tough. Life has dragged me kicking and screaming into the next chapter whether I wanted to go or not. Other times change was hoped for, welcomed with open arms. Sometimes change was planned. Blood, sweat, and tears expended. Change happens. Ready, willing, or not. How you react is going to determine if it is an easy transition or if you are going to leave claw marks on the door jamb. Too many times when I had to face unwelcome change, it would become all about me. I would forget the loved ones around me that the change was also affecting. Opportunities for empathetic team work were trod underfoot, and esteems damaged. On the other hand, desired change sometimes never happened because I would simply wish for it. The effort was half-hearted or not made at all. I wanted to be able to snap my fingers and life would be different. It has been said, "Man plans and God laughs". I don't believe that is true , but it sure feels at times that it could be.

     So what is the change you are facing? Is it a frustrating glitch in your day? Or is it something bigger? Are you winging your response or are you being proactive? Are you being empathetic to the other people that this change is affecting? You can do this! You may have no choice, but a positive attitude might make all the difference. You may just have to learn to change a tire.

"The Go Giver" -Book Review

     "The Go Giver- A little story about a powerful business idea." A book by Bob Burg and David Mann.


A little story about a powerful business idea.

This is a story about a guy named Joe. Joe is a "go getter"! A salesman that, try as he might he can't fill his quota for the quarter. So in a last ditch effort he asks for help from the legendary "Pendar"- that's really his name- to obtain the secret of "stratospheric success". Pendar takes Joe, over the course of a few weeks, on a tour of the city, where he is introduced to some "go givers". People who are successful in their endeavors because they helped others to be successful. Over the course of the book Joe learns the five secrets to "stratospheric success":
    
     The Law of Value.
     The Law of Compensation.
     The Law of Influence.
     The Law of Authenticity.
     The Law of Receptivity.

     This is an engaging book that I picked up after it was recommended by a friend. The concept is straight forward and was plucked straight out of the Bible. "Give and you shall receive". A concept that is pretty much unheeded in the world today as it seems everyone is subscribing to the "It's all about me" philosophy. Zig Ziglar says, "You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want". Check it out. This book is worth a read but is a bit pricey. Perhaps the authors should read it. You might see if your local library has a copy.

    

Fear Not!

     I hate being startled awake by a dream of falling. Like Wile E. Coyote scrambling for a non-existent Acme parachute, I am jolted awake in terror. I have spent a day on the dirt bike, and that night caught awesome air in my dreams just to have the bike disappear. As I plummet toward earth my whole body spasms, startling both myself and my wife awake. Buses, trains, and cars have also been flying through the air just to vanish. Leaving me in mid flight and falling into an abyss. What the heck? Why am I not buckling my seat belt?

     Psychologists believe that the fear of falling is the only fear we have that is not learned. This phenomena in infants is called the Moro reflex. I'm not sure what it is called when a middle aged guy is falling off of cliffs in his dreams. (Messed up would be a good term since this is a family show). According to Ernst Morrow- the Austrian pediatrician who originally began studying why infants experience sudden bouts of terror- the fear of falling is innate to us as human beings. In babies, it is characterized by a gasp and arms flung wide in an effort to grasp and hold on to something. Crying usually follows. Wow, just like my experiences. OK, not the crying. Usually.

     If the Moro reflex is the only fear that is not learned, where do we learn all of our other fears? Some fears are good, they may save us from certain destruction, but most fears are not good. They hold us back from experiencing much of what life on this rock offers. Past bad experiences can lead to the expectation of the same outcome or can cause us to develop a phobia. Though many of our fears were shared with us by our parents either through actions or words.

     What are your biggest fears? Do they have a name or is it just vague feelings of impending doom? What are they keeping you from experiencing? Are they good or bad? How did you learn these fears? Are they justifiable?

     If FDR was right in: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself", what could you do to get rid of this fear? List three things that you can do, then do them!

    

Why Do Smart People Do Dumb Things?

    

Have you ever wondered why smart people do dumb things? Consider the floundering and moral failings we have witnessed in past elections. We typically attribute these political suicides to idiocy and yet these people are obviously intelligent. So what gives? Why does one trade all of his effort and dreams for a moment of sordid passion? Not only has adultery and sexual deviancy been front page news, we have watched as careers derailed due to greed and the perversity of power. Financial faux pas, fraud and tax evasion seem to be the order of the day. Due to the microscope they are under, politicians and celebrities "sins" are broadcast so that the entire world can smugly; roll eyes, "tut-tut", and point fingers. 



Learn More!

     How does your child react if given a choice between a treat now or if he waits for three hours he can have two treats? How would you react? The willingness to toss away the bigger prize in the interest of instant gratification is a matter of emotional intelligence not cognitive intelligence. Emotions gone wild will more often than not overpower a high IQ. So how do we rein in our emotions so that we don't do dumb things? Fortunately our EQ or emotional quotient can be raised. It is simply a matter of self examination and a desire to be in control of our reactions. Here is a list of emotions to help you out. If you would like a free, no obligation coaching session email me here.

Crispy?

   Keeping a finger on the pulse of your sanity can seem to be a full time job. Yet if you do not at least do a periodic check-up from the neck up, burnout can sneak up on you. Putting your business, and income potential, as well as your relationships, and health at risk. Resulting in the very real possibility of it consuming everything you might deem important and hold dear. Business owners, especially start-ups, are particularly vulnerable because they tend to never leave work at work. Though we are all susceptible, no matter what path we are walking. Burnout can be caused from a wide range of stressors yet if you are attuned to the warning signs it can be avoided. Here are some things to watch. Not an all inclusive list, just some ideas to help you start paying attention to what your body and emotions are telling you.

1. Overall attitude. What is your general outlook on life? Are you looking forward to a bright future or does it look pretty dismal?

2. Do you feel drained of energy? Run down physically and emotionally?

3. Do small things throughout your day irritate you?

4. Feeling unappreciated? Under-valued?

5. How are you treating people with whom you are interacting? Has something changed?

6. Alcohol consumption at a dangerous level?

Here are a few ideas for avoiding burnout:

1. Be aware of danger signs.

2. Exercise. You don't have to join a gym or enter a Mr. Universe contest; a thirty minute walk 4-5 times per week will do wonders.

3. Meditate. Learn why and how here.

4. Take time away from the stressors. Vacation.

5. Leave work at work. If that is not possible set a time to be finished, and figure out a way to give your day closure. Read some fiction. Watch some pointless television or go and take your walk.

Burnout can be devastating, but it can be avoided. If you are dealing with this now, please send me an email for a free no obligation coaching session. Together we will come up with a plan for tomorrow.

Control Freak!

Yeah I know, I have three fingers pointing back at me.

     The Control Freak is my least favorite personality type and yet the one I most readily identify with. Why do I have such a hard time just letting things be? Just because someone might do something different than I would doesn't mean that their way is wrong. Sometimes. Does it? And yet as I delve into this personality and what makes us function, I realize that we, the control freaks, are probably the most vulnerable of all personality types. I am getting teary eyed just thinking of my poor old mother and her wooden spoons with which she used to beat me half to death. Aah but I digress. So is the controlling personality having to compensate for a shortcoming? Is it a manifestation of the battle between ego and esteem? Could it just be a defense mechanism like Freud would have us believe? Like comedian Robin Williams says "If it's not one thing it's your mother".  It may simply be the fact that my way really is better than your way. Maybe? I had a mentor once that claimed the mantra that says "It's better to be happy than right". That always seemed too simplistic to me and a bit hard to swallow. But that may be because I didn't think of it first.

     So how do we become more lamb-like? Is that something we even want? Probably not and yet the people with whom we interact everyday would probably appreciate a gentler approach which is something we can accomplish with a bit of conscious effort. It may be a matter of simply putting down the spoon.

The Vital Few

     If you were to journal for a few months you would see that roughly 20 percent of your activity results in 80 percent of your success or failure. Wouldn't just knowing this be good reason to begin a bit of journaling? Just to see what it is you are actually spending time on? Having trouble wrapping your brain around this idea?
    




Start Today!

     In 1906 Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist and avid gardener, observed that 20 percent of his pea pods were responsible for 80 percent of the peas produced. His curiosity piqued he began gathering information on the land ownership in Italy and discovered that 20 percent of the population owned 80 percent of the land, and 20 percent of the people had 80 percent of the money. Now before you turn this into a Wall Street bashing, think! Where else is this principle at work? Roughly twenty percent of the population of the world read eighty percent of all the books read! And 80 percent of any companies personnel issues comes from only 20 percent of the employees. Wouldn't a company be wise to pinpoint who those people were? And by the same token couldn't the same business, knowing that 80 percent of their success is the result of 20 percent of their effort analyze what this 20 percent is?

     So what about you? Where is the Pareto Principle at work in your life? Are you taking advantage of it or is it kicking your butt? Need help? Shoot me an email with Pareto in the subject line and I will give you a FREE 30 minute coaching session.

Normal Is A Setting On The Washing Machine!

    I have been trying to convince my wife of that fact for the last 29 years. I just finished David Lieberman's book; "Find Out Who's Normal and Who's Not", and though I was worried at first I can say with a straight face that I am fairly normal. My wife I am sure, might still argue. So what is normal? How do you know if the guy living next door is at least somewhat sane? How about your son-in-law? Is he a psycho? Yikes! In this book, Lieberman teaches you how to become what he calls a conversational archaeologist; someone who through some questions and techniques, may be able to build a relatively accurate psychological profile of just about anyone, though you must be able to converse with the suspect. You cannot simply use the "stink eye" for your judgments as we are all tend to do from time to time. This book was an entertaining read and perhaps useful if you are able to remember the questions that you are supposed to ask. My problem is that I would have to carry a cheat sheet and I would give myself away as I went into Detective Joe Friday mode."Just the facts Ma'am". Maybe I could just shine a flashlight in people's face and poke them in the chest while asking if they're normal.

Empathy or Sympathy

     Why not avert an unpleasant encounter?  Momentarily placing yourself in the other persons circumstance might be all that it takes.

     The dictionary defines empathy as; "The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the thoughts, feelings, or attitudes of another". In other words, it is sensing another persons feelings and perspectives and taking an active interest in their battle.  Sympathy is a concern for the well-being of another and may begin with a feeling of empathy but may not. For example, if you see someone on the television that is deaf you may feel empathy or sympathy for her but it will probably be more sympathetic. If your grandmother comes to visit and you know she is hard of hearing in her right ear you will tend to be empathetic to her plight and talk louder if you are on her left or you will make a point to talk to her right side.
     So, what is my point? What if the person that you are about to "give a piece of your mind" to is fighting a battle completely unseen? Maybe a battle for her very life. It could be any number of things, almost everyone is fighting a battle of some kind. Would the outcome be different if you imagined just for a second what might be going on in her life? Maybe she's sick or recently lost a loved one. Maybe her seeming lack of intelligence stems from fear of her control freak employer. Or maybe your attitude is simply being reflected back at you by the other person. Maybe the battle is yours.
     Empathy takes practice but a moment of thought can make the day brighter for both parties involved or it can set the stage not just for a bad day but possibly estranged relationships that may take years to heal.
    
    

Start By Starting!

“We dreamed of doing but could not bring ourselves to do.” ~ Etheridge Knight

What is it that you are putting off? What dream are you constantly visiting but can't seem to take that first step? Is it a different career? An incredible business idea? Maybe just a shift in your circumstances or a few pounds off of your belly? Whatever it is take a moment to dream about what life will look like when the dream is achieved. How will you feel? How will it affect those most important to you? Sometimes the first step is as simple as putting pen to paper and writing it down. Some people just need to turn the television off, as difficult as that is. I know there are great programs that just can't be missed, and the zombies may really start sprouting up at any moment.
     After your dream is written down, see if you can identify what it is that is keeping you from taking that first step. Do a bit of self examination and decide if this is really where you want to stay or is the dream important enough to get your buns off of the couch. Only you can decide. Only you can take that first step. Start by starting, go get that pen.

Forgive? You Have Got To Be Kidding!

     OK, I have been procrastinating. I don't want to be writing about this. I want to talk about team building or leadership models, anything but this. I have issues with forgiveness. There is nothing funner than wallowing in hatred and bitterness, planning someones violent demise. The feeling of my blood pressure spiking is like luxuriating in a cauldron of hot acid.  There are times that I have missed an entire nights sleep as I enjoyed fantasies of biting someone! I am a proponent of the death penalty for crying out loud! Yet as someone on a quest to learn and master authentic masculinity I feel the art of forgiveness is indeed a big piece of the puzzle. So I have been trudging through the book "Dare To Forgive: The Power Of Letting Go & Moving On" for almost two years and in that time it has sailed across the room more than once. I don't want to forgive! My anger has become "my little precious" and it needs nurtured, fed and protected. The author of the book, Edward Hallowell M.D., makes good points and cites scientific evidence supporting the health benefits of forgiveness. I am sure sleep would come easier also as I have at times bonked the sheep on their heads as they jumped over the fence. I come from a long line of grudge holders, my mother being one of the best! It's in my DNA! Yet as the book points out the act of forgiving someone is a decision and he promises that it gets easier with practice. I may give it a try tomorrow. I might just decide not to give the jerk that cuts me off the finger. Baby steps, right?

Authentic Masculinity

     Authentic masculinity is a combination of character traits, not physical attributes. The disintegration of the family unit has created several generations who are clueless about what a stable family life looks like. And the alarming absence of men who live by a disciplined code of conduct and value system (something I stuggle with daily) means that most of our young people have no clue what authentic masculinity is. Many have never seen men who function successfully as loving husbands and fathers. They’ve never seen true family men in real life and they have grown accustomed to the men in their lives being slaves to addictions, desires and instant gratification. So they simply have no choice but to define masculinity by physical qualities, such as looks, aggression and a deep voice. A skewed perception which ultimately manifests itself in their own lives in the form of the same addictions, the same aimlessness and the same justifications.
      So how can we turn it around? What are some changes that you need to make in your life so that you can begin developing authentic masculinity? Remember, you may be being watched and emulated, and that sir, is an awesome responsibility. The regret and shame that I feel as I watch my own son taking the same thorny paths that he saw me follow is at times unbearable. It is much like watching an erratic driver speeding down the interstate. You can only hope that he will slow down and that you won't come upon a crash down the road.

What Would You Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail?

There seemed to be endless obstacles preventing me from living with my eyes open, but as I gradually followed up clue after clue it seemed that the root cause of them all was fear.

~Joanna Field


     Fear of failure, fear of others opinions, fear of the unknown?.. What? What would you do if you weren't afraid? Fear is part of our human condition but as Mark Twain once said, "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear- not the absence of fear". So how do we move forward and progress in spite of our fears? The first thing to do is acknowledge our fears and give them a face. Write them down. Then you can confront them one at a time.  Most fears stem from ego which is the exact opposite of self esteem. David Lieberman paints a picture of ego and self esteem being on a teeter-totter. If you are operating from ego; self esteem goes down but if you operate from self esteem; ego goes down. Does it really matter what your friends think? What do you think? Failure? The biggest failure is never trying. Where will you be five years from now if you don't do this? Visualize your success, what does it look like? These are the first steps in mastering your fears. Build your self esteem by writing down what your attributes are. What qualities do you possess that will guarantee your success? Say them out loud! Say them often. If all of your self talk is negative then ego will always be on top, self esteem will never have a chance and fear will always hold you back. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? Go to the mirror and talk it over. I will wait.


 
 

I am on Vacation!

I have been on vacation since April 1, sorry I failed to mention it. I have had emails asking if I had died, alas I am still kicking and I will resume after the 10th, thank you for the concern. Kasey

Is Your Frog Boiling? -Book Review

Ten Signs That Your Life May Be Spinning Out Of Control and What You Can Do About It.
     April Fools Day seems like a good day to review this book and not because it was bad. Quite the opposite, in fact I enjoyed it very much and it was free! You can download the PDF version here or you can download it free to your reader at barnsandnoble.com. The reason I think this is a good day for this review is that so many of us are fools for letting our frogs boil! Let me explain.
     The author, Dr. Richard Madow, uses the old tale of cooking a frog to help us see that often our own circumstances may in fact be cooking us slowly. You remember the story of putting a frog in a pot of room temperature water and by increments turning up the heat. As the frog adjusts to the temperature he won't jump out but will in fact let himself be cooked. Whereas if you were to throw him in already boiling water he will immediately jump out. I read a lot of books on self help topics and most are filled with technical jargon, methodologies and psycho-babble. This book is a gem. It is simple, humorous, well written and applicable to all of us. In short, if you are at a place in your life where you are questioning your circumstances, this book delivers.

 

Book Forward Excerpt:

Wouldn’t it be amazing if in just a short time from now you could:

•Accomplish more and worry less?

•Improve your family relationships?

•Enjoy your occupation so much that you look forward to arriving at work every day?

•Have more and better friends?

•Live a life marked by calm confidence and your own definition of success?

•Finally, become a truly happy person?

In “Is Your Frog Boiling?” I will show you the legend of a frog, and how understanding ten simple "symptoms" can change your life forever. Through real world practical examples, you will see how

many of us get into hot water. You’ll also find out how to pull yourself out of the pot. By the time you reach the end, you will not only know if your frog is boiling, but how to prevent that from happening. Hopefully you’ll have some fun along the way.

    
 

 

Name That....Emotion?

An emotion is an unconscious psychological reaction to some sort of outside stimuli such as a thing, circumstance or person. If we can name the emotion we are feeling and the stimuli which caused it we can be well on our way to managing our reactions.
     This emotional awareness is the first step in overcoming and managing the reactions to whatever life is throwing at you at the time. Reactions ranging from all consuming rage to self defeating procrastination. When I owned my construction company just the thought of the paper work waiting for me in my office created such a negative emotion that I would refuse to enter for fear the monster would eat me. I was filled with such dread that when I was forced to deal with it by tax or insurance audit deadlines, the monster was huge. And yet after digging in I always found "it" was toothless and not nearly as terrifying as I had imagined. The manifestations of the emotional trauma this always caused was evident in my relationships with my family and employees as I was unaware of the underlying cause and effect that these feelings were triggering. Every three months I'm sure I garnered new nicknames from family and employees alike and they probably weren't "dumb head".
     So could just being able to name what it is we are feeling improve communication with those around us? Could being able to tell our significant other exactly how they are making us feel help to establish a boundary? Could it lead to deeper relationships with those we care most about? How about the relationships we have with our employees? Would them knowing how their hard work and loyalty fills us with happiness create an environment where they in turn are filled with positive emotions about their place of employment? Remember that boss who was a firm believer in management by intimidation? Isn't he the big reason you are self employed now? Maybe your star player will follow suit if his efforts continue to go seemingly unnoticed.
     Below is a list of emotions. When you are feeling different than you were just moments before, name that emotion. Then rate the intensity 1-10 and figure out what the cause was. Then take a moment to choose your reaction. Carefully! Unless you want a nickname like "dumb head".

Aggressive                                  Ecstatic                                     Love-struck

Aggravated                                 Elated                                        Miserable

Alienated                                    Embarrassed                            Negative

Amused                                       Enthusiastic                              Optimistic

Angry                                           Envious                                      Paranoid

Annoyed                                     Excited                                       Peaceful

Anxious                                       Exhausted                                 Proud

Apathetic                                   Fearful                                        Puzzled

Appalled                                     Frightened                                 Regretful

Awed                                          Frustrated                                   Relieved

Bashful                                       Glad                                             Sad

Blissful                                        Guilty                                           Satisfied

Bored                                          Happy                                          Shocked

Cautious                                     Helpless                                      Sorry

Cheerful                                     Hopeful                                        Sure

Confident                                  Hostile                                           Surprised

Confused                                   Humiliated                                    Suspicious

Curious                                      Hurt                                                Undecided

Delighted                                  Hysterical                                       Withdrawn

Depressed                                 Interested                                     

Determined                               Jealous

Disappointed                             joyous

Discouraged                               lonely

Disgusted                                    Loved

Attitude of Gratitude

I believe gratitude is the outward act brought about by an inner thankfulness.

     Too often I get whelmed (not over whelmed, just whelmed) by the busy-ness of life and start to fall into the "take stuff for granted mentality". I was driving with a friend the other day and he stated that he needed to stop at the store to get something for his wife. After he put up with my teasing about having a grocery list he just said that he liked to have a little gift for her when he got home. We stopped at a convenience store and I was somewhat surprised when he took a small tube of Carmex to the counter. We were in and out of the store and driving down the road within minutes. I was curious about the "gift" that he had just spent less than a buck on and finally asked him if she had bad lips. After the Ha, Ha's died, he said that her lips were great and it was just a little way to show her he was thinking about her while he was away. What a goof! Doesn't he know that a gift should be a well thought out, expensive, article of manipulation? Or at least something flashy! Geez! I probably should share this tid-bit with him at some point. He was away from her for a few days shouldn't that have qualified for some serious guilt swag for the little lady?
     The truth is he was displaying an attitude of gratitude. Once again the coach gets coached. Such a simple act that will probably have a ripple effect resonating through every aspect of his marriage. Have you visited your gratitude list lately? Who is it in your life that you need to show your thankfulness to? What simple way can you display your gratitude to your significant other, son, daughter or co-worker? It doesn't have to be a gift, it could be as simple as a love note on her mirror. Or a gesture as simple as putting your scurvy drawers into the hamper, you sick-o.

The Incredible Power of Why.

     "Why", is the biggest motivating factor propelling high achievers the world over to new heights. It always has been, always will be.
     If the "why" of a project is truly bought into, by all parties involved, the obstacles encountered in reaching the goal will be easier to overcome then if the "why" is vague.This is the reason it is so important for a company, large or small, to have a mission statement. A mission statement is the why you do what you do, boiled down and stuffed into a nutshell. In other words, it is a concise statement of the values that you operate from and the direction you are headed. But mission statements aren't solely relegated to the business world, it is also beneficial in our individual lives to take advantage of this power of "why". You can develop a personal mission statement that encompasses your values and passions stating the "why" for your life. As you mold your life around your mission, you will begin to sense that your desires for purposeful living are being realized, making Monday mornings considerably easier to dive into. Whereas if you are simply coasting, almost all aspects of your life will lack fulfilment due to to the lack of purpose. Then instead of a statement of "why", you will be asking, "why me?"
     In overcoming addictions and making better choices, the "why" will often be the deciding factor between recovery and relapse. Check out the examples and see the difference.

"I need to quit smoking"
"I'm going to quit smoking so I will be able to meet and play with my grandchildren"

"I should go on a diet"
"If I don't lose 100 lbs the doctor says with my family history I will more than likely develop diabetes."

"I know I drink too much, I should quit or cut down"
"I love my family and I realize that my drinking is tearing us apart, it's time to quit"

     The incredible power of why. If your "why" is honestly defined, elaborated on and more important to you than your "why nots" there will be nothing to stop you. What is your "why"? Define it! Own it! Why not?

The Importance of Mapping a Goal.

     My wife and I enjoy periodically taking a day and heading to the mountains to unwind and escape the city. Our "lil' mule" is a 1963 Willy's Jeep that is original except for the wheels and a Holly overdrive. OK, and a 12000 lb winch that is expressly used to get me into more trouble than I was in prior to employing its services. As an avid 4-wheeling enthusiast I enjoy the scenery as much as she does but I always have my eyes open for a rock to climb or a goat trail where I can test my skill and prowess as I push the limits of the Jeep's capabilities and my wife's patience.
     A couple of years ago we were "up above it all" exploring some roads above Georgetown, Colorado. We had been out most of the day and the sun was going down. I put the last of our reserve fuel into the gas tank and we decided it was time to head for the barn. Perhaps a half hour into the descent my wife said "We're going in circles we passed that campsite already." "Huh uh", I argued stoically as I searched the cobwebs of my generally, um.., lucid mind, for something familiar. She remained silent through the next hour as we traversed the mountain once again. This time I recognized the camp site and sheepishly reached for the map.
     I didn't have a GPS with me but with my compass and map, I was able to pinpoint where we were and then plan a course to "get outta Dodge"! My bride allowed me to gloat and flex my single testosterone that I keep caged for just such occasions and I pulled from the recesses of my brain, JROTC classes about map reading from days gone by. I spewed stuff about shooting azimuths, terrain and contour lines. And as we pulled onto the highway I am sure her tongue was bleeding. Who knows how many eye rolls I got as I was sitting just a bit taller than I was just a few miles back.
     One thing that I was able to recollect, was my teacher sergeant Rhody Heinen, always expounding on the fact that you have got to know where you are to be able to get where you want to go.
     It is the same with our lives. Businesses fold every day due to lack of mapping skills. People wander aimlessly in life for want of a destination with no perception of where they even are. Though if asked, the majority would probably list hell as their address.
     So where are you? That's the first step in mapping a goal, figuring out where you are. If you need a bit of guidance you are welcome to contact me for a free half hour goal setting session. That is all. Now get outta that rut! You have some living to do!

Parkinson's Law

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. In other words, the amount of time that someone has to perform a task is the amount of time it will take to complete the task.

     Cyril Northcote Parkinson coined this adage in 1955 as a joke, in an essay published in The Economist but as humorous as it may have been, it has proven itself time and again in yours and my lives. If you have a task to be completed in a certain amount of time it will generally take up all of the allotted time to get it done. Whereas if the time allowed was shortened, chances are the task would still get done in the shorter amount of time allowed. Another way to look at this law is in regard to storage. How many times have we had a cupboard or some other storage facility that used to be empty or close to it but now it's full to capacity. Have you ever had a backpack that seemed as if it would have ample room yet when you were finished every nook and cranny was stuffed and the pack weighed a million pounds? So, storage requirements will increase to meet storage capacity. My gosh, you should see my garage.
     So are we able to defeat this law? Or at least manage it? I believe we can for the most part. If you start with your goal in mind and are realistic and honest with yourself, you can probably shorten the time it will take to be successful. Will it really take two weeks to clear your desk? So, are we beating the law or getting sucked further into the reality of it? While you are stuffing that chest to capacity you can console yourself that you are simply a victim of Parkinson's Law. Or maybe you could have a yard sale.
     How could just knowing about this increase your productivity at work or at home? What goal do you have that needs to be bound by a time limit? If someday is the time frame, that someday will probably never come. Contact me today for a free half hour goal setting session. Type "Goals" in the subject line of the email. Now, go make those yard sale posters!

A Person of Integrity

     Doing the right thing even when it isn't convenient.

     I set out several years ago to paint a horse trailer but not being a body man I was pretty clueless. Lucky for me I had a friend who was a body man and I tried to convince him that he should get involved. As I am no salesman, my efforts at implementing Tom Sawyer's; white-washing the fence tactics were fruitless. And as you probably have guessed, I would be painting the trailer myself. He did however offer pointers and some much needed advice. He filled me in on sanding and priming, epoxy, paint pots, compressors, tarps and technique. I'm sure my eyes glazed over as I tried to comprehend the magnitude of this project. After an hour of sanding I had a spot done approximately twelve inches square and stood back to admire my work. He came over and with an approving nod he turned to head back to his lawn chair in the shade. As he turned he said, "The whole trailer". I stepped back another pace to take in "the whole trailer" and I looked at the small spot that had taken an hour. "I really have to sand the whole thing?" I asked with exasperation. He turned back to me and with a smile on his face he said, "No, you don't really have to do the whole thing". Oh! The relief must have radiated from my face as I heard those words! He walked back toward me and looking the trailer over he said, "You only have to sand where you want the paint to stick"!
     And so it is with integrity. You are either a person of integrity or you aren't. Integrity is a character trait that encompasses your whole life. Everything you do and are.You may act with integrity most of the time but take a closer look. Are you constantly late for work? Is your employer paying you for that time? Are you an employer sticking it to your staff? Are you the person that can't wait to spread a rumor and defame another? We all know a Mrs. Kravitz and the damage they inflict with their words. Do you try to clip tickets at the slope? What about those taxes you have been cheating on. "Oh that doesn't matter, nobodies getting hurt." But someone is, that someone is you. Think of your "character" as a house. Integrity is the foundation of all that you are. Is that foundation weak and shifty? Or is it rock solid? You can build integrity but it takes work and rigorous honesty with yourself. Doing the right thing even when it isn't convenient. Just remember, "The whole trailer"!
That is all, go get dirty!

The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions.

     The old idiom or proverb simply means that well intended acts could have disastrous results.

     This very morning, I was notified of my son getting stabbed in the gut last week in Gillette Wyoming. The incident occurred after his friend begged for help with his meth addiction and then stabbed my son for trying to help. The Gillette newspaper went on to say that before the stabbing, there was a scuffle and my son left only to be called out and went to meet the man somewhere else "to settle their differences". A knife was brandished, according to the paper, before the fight and a gun was in the waist band of the meth monkeys apparent second. (In days of old, a second was the person who assisted a dueler in making sure the duel was fair. In some cases the second would take the place of the original dueler.) So it seems at the outset of this misadventure, that intentions were good. These guys were friends barbecuing together a few short hours before. Then the whole: "A friend in need is a friend indeed" bit and the desire to 'fix" someone who wasn't really ready to be fixed. The ensuing hurt feelings, threats and fear of reprisal that more than likely went on created an apparent need to battle in neutral territory away from loved ones. All of which lead to a knife in one friends stomach and the other facing ten years in the big house.
     The possible disastrous effects of good intentions  usually comes about when the intent is not aligned with common sense and personal boundries. Among other things. It is also important to be in tune to where the intent is actually coming from. Are you promoting your own agenda? Are you acting in love? Jealousy? Fear? Anger? How many times have we alienated friends or family when we were "just trying to help"? Sometimes you would be better off  just minding your own business, as hard as that can be.
     Thankfully my son is ok and maybe a little wiser. His friend perhaps will meet the bottom he needs to kick his demon in the ass. Better some extended rehab than six feet under.

A Happy Little Chappie!

     Everyone wants happiness it seems. And right now dammit! I read a study the other day that said almost 70 percent of 1000 people polled placed happiness as being more important than money. I would venture a guess that the 30 percent were "Baby Boomers" and the 70 percent were "Gen Yers" but I may be wrong. So what is happiness exactly? How do you measure it? Is it a constant state of euphoria? A feeling of giddiness? Or could it be as simple as a piece of good chocolate melting on your tongue?
     Martin Seligman, a psychologist, claims there are three types of happiness.
     -Pleasant Life: Pleasures and instant gratification.
     -Good Life: Getting the things you want and desire.
     -Meaningful Life: Belonging to and serving in something larger and more worthwhile than just your own pleasures and desires. He states that authentic happiness combines all three aspects and culminates into the Full Life or a life that satisfies all criteria of happiness. His website features two exercises you can do to increase your happiness with long term effect.
1. Three Good Things in Life: In this exercise, before bed you write down three things that went well for you that day and also what caused those things to go well. Do this everyday for a week. I say if you see an improvment carry on. You could also work on a daily gratitude list.
2. Pick out your 5 top strengths. He calls them signature strengths. They could be honesty, teamwork, enthusiasm, humility, optimism.. yadayadayada.. you get it. After you identify your top five, you select one of them every day and intentionally implement that strength that day.
     As far as I can tell though, much more proof is in the fact that serving others in some way with no thought of repayment will lead to more happiness than anything. So where are you thinking of experimenting with this? What greater good will you expend some energy on? Is it all hocus-pocus? I personally am going for another piece of chocolate while I think about it. Now go! Be Happy! Get some sunshine!

What Happens When 911 Is Dialed

     Anger is an emotion we all deal with from time to time. Some better than others. I was brought up in a home where it seems someone was always pummeling someone else and fits of unrestrained rage were more common than not. Unfortunately as we tend to be products of our environment, that lack of emotional intelligence was passed down and my own wife and children got to experience the fear and exasperation of the eggshell walk too. The good news is, emotional intelligence unlike cognitive intelligence can be learned and as my wife will attest I am not the same person I was even 5 years ago.  If your family is important to you, and this is an issue you are dealing with, STOP! It doesn't have to continue any longer. Go to my website and contact me. Together we can end the cycle.
     If you have incurred a domestic violence charge, here is an in depth look at the hell you are descending into. Get the help on your terms before it is forced on you by the state and your life is in shambles.
     That is all. Go live life! And keep your hands to yourself!

A Tale of Two Brains

     A very funny YouTube video about the differences between male and female thought processes, by Mark Gungor. Watch the video here.

I have a specific goal, now what?

     Once your destination is defined, the best way I have found of working to achieve the goal is to break it into smaller bites. Sub-goals I suppose you could call them, all leading to the bigger goal. To help a client visualize this we would make a strategy map with boxes and lines, having the big goal on top and then map backwards as we try to define obstacles and their possible solutions. Working from the destination to the present desire we have chopped the big goal into more manageable pieces, identified possible hazards we may encounter and further solidified the goal in our subconscious. Good luck!

SMART Goal Setting

Having a goal is imperative to progress. Unless you are just out for a joy-ride without a particular destination, you need to have a goal. If you want to get to New York from Denver in the shortest amount of time you would buy a plane ticket to New York not L.A. When you buy that ticket you will be specific, won't you? Having a goal gives you a target, a defined destination.

So think about your target. Is it specific? Do you want a new vehicle or do you want a white Dodge Quad Cab 3500 four wheel drive diesel?

Is your goal measurable? Is your goal to have a more balanced life? Can you define "more"? How will you know when you arrive? See the reason for being specific?

Is what you are shooting for attainable? Do you want a 30,000 square foot home in Malibu but you are stuck in a $50,000 dead end job? Maybe you should focus on a different job first.

Is it relevant? Do you care enough about this to make it a priority in your life? Do you really want to lose that extra weight or is sitting on the couch playing video games more important?

Have you set a time frame? When will you start working on this? What is the deadline? To attain a goal it must be time bound. You have to have a set finish line.

It's also important to write your goals down and visit them often.

S- Specific
M- Measurable
A- Attainable
R-Relevant
T- Time bound


The SMART acronym first appeared in an article written by George Doran, Arthur Miller, and James Cunningham in the November 1981 issue of Management Review called  "There's a S.M.A.R.T. way to write management goals and objectives." This goal setting procedure has been used by thousands of high achievers since.

Counselor, Consultant, Life Coach. What's the difference?

     I was recently asked the difference between a Life Coach and a consultant. I decided to add counselor into the equation too.
     Say you decide to go take some flying lessons and you attain a private pilot license. You then take a counselor flying. The flight is magnificent but being a new pilot a couple small mistakes were made. He was thoughtful and details his ideas about why the mistakes were made and gives you some input about how to do things differently on future flights. He may also ask some difficult questions concerning the origin of your lack of rudder control and why the plane feels like it is sliding sideways through the sky.  He wants you to understand what in your past has caused you to neglect keeping a careful eye on the turn coordinator. All while he throws in a few "hmmmm's" and "ahhh's" and "how did that make you feels?"
     You then take the consultant up and as before there were a few mistakes but nothing life threatening, you are in fact a good pilot just lacking experience. The consultant however notices your lack of rudder input as you bank over the city and he takes the controls. He carefully explains what you were doing wrong as he lands the plane. As he prepares to leave he gives you a three ring binder filled with all of his findings and concise suggestions on how to improve.
     It is now the coaches turn and you have a grin on your face and relief in your heart as he says, "This is great, where are we going to go? Do you want me to help navigate? Maybe help you keep an eye out for other planes? Do you have a map? Lets do this, it's gonna be a blast!"
     That's the difference. Perhaps a bit trite, and often there may be a few slight overlaps but you get the picture.

To blog or not to blog, that, is the question!

     The purpose of this blog is simply to share my thoughts, frustrations and hopes. Insights that I may glean from failures and the joys and lessons from successes. As a parent, a husband of 28 years and a working man out in the world, I should have plenty of fodder for this fire.
     I will also review some books that I feel could be helpful or that I shouldn't have wasted the money on. Books on different topics of self help, recreation or just a great read.
     I won't write on a schedule so be sure to check back from time to time or better yet, subscribe! If you have something you would like to recommend or a rant you need to vent be sure to leave a comment or feel free to visit my website you will find an email address there. For now, cheers! Go live life!